Jokes Thread

Post your jokes in here everyone

Knock-knock.
Whos there?
Me.
Come in.

If the following joke freaks you out, don't worry...It happened to a lot of peoplez

A girl wants a new laptop so she asks her dad for the money. His dad says no so she says 'I'll do anything for it'. He goes, okay 'suck my dick'. So she pulls down his pants and she goes 'dad, you penis stinks of shit'. Her dad goes 'don't worry about that, you mother wanted an xBox'.

We have a teacher at our school who has the worst jokes...

Someone asked him, "Hey sir, what's the joke of the day!"

He replied, "You."

Weird...

Yeah, I hate it when teachers try to be cool. A teacher once said 'safe, then Muhammad' and I was like 'no sir, you just don't do that'

A man walks into a bar with an orange for a head. He asks for a pint. The barman says "Sure thing, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you have an orange for a head?" The man replies "Well I was away travelling for a while, in the desert, when I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He said he could grant me three wishes, and explained all the rules and that. So I said 'Genie, I wish that I had infinite wealth, so money will never be an issue again'. The genie said ' No problem mate'. My second wish was that I could be irresistable to the opposite sex, he granted me this as well. 'And finally genie, I wish that I had an orange for a head'"

^Am I missing something here?

I realised after that it doesn't really work written down It's a short shaggy dog story basically.

Ahh, lol okay :L

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

(yeah, my sense of humor fails when I'm tired)

I was gonna say that!

Did you hear the one about the computer that made children disappear? It had a Paedo File.

I HAVE LIKE THE BEST JOKE EVER

why did the chicken cross the road?

i bet you havent heard this one

to get to the other side

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Why did Justin Bieber get his dick stuck in an ATM?

Because it told him to insert PIN here!

A fat chick served me at maccas and when she brought me my food she said sorry about the weight and i replyed its okay you fat bitch you will loose it.

This following one ain't directed at anyone in particular but I laughed so much when I heard it first time

Your momma's so stupid that she got locked into Tesco's and starved to death!

At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One of the chamber members stood up and said,
"I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army”.

Well today when I was an umpy () for some little kids at cricket, a guy bowled at about 20k's with a bouncy tennis ball and he got hit in the nuts, it was 'apparently' such a big deal, that he had to get people to carry him off the pitch .

I know it's not a joke, but I just like felt sharing that with you's .

I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.

It must have been the weakest Lynx.

Pav wrote:

Why did Justin Bieber get his dick stuck in an ATM?

Because it told him to insert PIN here!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Yo mamas so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.

Teacher or professor giving you a hard time? Grab their blackboard chalk and drill a small hole straight down from the writing end, insert a match, and fill the hole with a blend of chalk dust and glue. Put the chalk back and watch the panic when smoke starts to spew!

Hahhaha funny one isabella!

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'